Nine months soon. He’s a really nice guy, yet I’m making it way more complicated than it needs to be. I sometimes wonder, “If I were to become single today, could I handle it or am I so dependent on Corey that I’ll be this devastated pathetic pile of good for months like I was after Nate ended things?” Sometimes the smallest arguments just make me want to give up on everything and be single. 

I know that we’re going to break up one day. I know that chances of marrying your college sweetheart are low. Besides, every time we hear wedding commercials on the radio or see them on TV, I let go of his hand and scoot away. As embarrassing as this is, I sometimes watch wedding shows when I’m home alone and start tearing up because marriage and assuming that you’re going to marry the person you’re with is only going to make the break up 1000000000x worse. 

Yes, I was stupid and 16 when I started planning out a future with my first boyfriend, but judging by the way I wrote it in my journal, we seemed so set on it. Two stupid kids that honestly believed that one day they’d get married lol how stupid and towards the end of that relationship or whatever it was, we promised that we’d try again after college. Of course, all of those hopes and promises died as we replaced each other with new people. 

Which goes to show that I don’t want to be set on someone only to have that dream ripped away from me and then later find out that I was replaced by someone better. Sure, I like long-term relationships, but I don’t want to discuss or think of any possibility of me marrying Corey. BUT IT SUCKS! He says things like, “You shouldn’t adopt, you’d have a beautiful baby.” and “You’d make a great mom one day Steph.” and “Robie would be Shelton… I can see it.” and “If you got pregnant, I’d marry you” and “I think I’d be a good dad. You think?” AND THENNN says shit like, “Watch every person we sleep with after each other isn’t the same.” and “You’ll be my first.” and “We’re not going to get married. The chances are really low.” and “In ten years when we forget all about each other, we’re gonna run into each other.” 

I don’t know what he wants in the end, but I know that I love him and that he loves me. It’d be a cute story if we did end up getting married, but it’s just a college relationship. I’m only 19 and the last thing I should be thinking about is getting married, but I want to be with him for a long time. He’s smart, sweet, agrees and disagrees with me when the time is right, loving, funny, unique and he puts up with all my bullshit. I WOULD NOT DATE MYSELF IF I WERE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. The fact that he loves me for the real me… 

I just hope to be with him as long as we both love each other enough to be with each other. I never want to say forever because saying that will just make it worse when it ends.