Why are people even my friend? I don’t see what I have to offer as a friend. I’m pretty sure that people are sick of driving to my house or having to pick me up since I can’t drive. I don’t really keep interesting conversations… I just say random shit or talk about myself which can come off as stupid and conceited and I usually think, “Why the fuck did I just say that?!” soon after. I really don’t know why people like being around me… I’m not all that special. I’m kinda awkward. 

I need to learn to stop talking about myself so much though. I tell too much and then yeah… idk I need to stop.

Nine months soon. He’s a really nice guy, yet I’m making it way more complicated than it needs to be. I sometimes wonder, “If I were to become single today, could I handle it or am I so dependent on Corey that I’ll be this devastated pathetic pile of good for months like I was after Nate ended things?” Sometimes the smallest arguments just make me want to give up on everything and be single. 

I know that we’re going to break up one day. I know that chances of marrying your college sweetheart are low. Besides, every time we hear wedding commercials on the radio or see them on TV, I let go of his hand and scoot away. As embarrassing as this is, I sometimes watch wedding shows when I’m home alone and start tearing up because marriage and assuming that you’re going to marry the person you’re with is only going to make the break up 1000000000x worse. 

Yes, I was stupid and 16 when I started planning out a future with my first boyfriend, but judging by the way I wrote it in my journal, we seemed so set on it. Two stupid kids that honestly believed that one day they’d get married lol how stupid and towards the end of that relationship or whatever it was, we promised that we’d try again after college. Of course, all of those hopes and promises died as we replaced each other with new people. 

Which goes to show that I don’t want to be set on someone only to have that dream ripped away from me and then later find out that I was replaced by someone better. Sure, I like long-term relationships, but I don’t want to discuss or think of any possibility of me marrying Corey. BUT IT SUCKS! He says things like, “You shouldn’t adopt, you’d have a beautiful baby.” and “You’d make a great mom one day Steph.” and “Robie would be Shelton… I can see it.” and “If you got pregnant, I’d marry you” and “I think I’d be a good dad. You think?” AND THENNN says shit like, “Watch every person we sleep with after each other isn’t the same.” and “You’ll be my first.” and “We’re not going to get married. The chances are really low.” and “In ten years when we forget all about each other, we’re gonna run into each other.” 

I don’t know what he wants in the end, but I know that I love him and that he loves me. It’d be a cute story if we did end up getting married, but it’s just a college relationship. I’m only 19 and the last thing I should be thinking about is getting married, but I want to be with him for a long time. He’s smart, sweet, agrees and disagrees with me when the time is right, loving, funny, unique and he puts up with all my bullshit. I WOULD NOT DATE MYSELF IF I WERE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. The fact that he loves me for the real me… 

I just hope to be with him as long as we both love each other enough to be with each other. I never want to say forever because saying that will just make it worse when it ends.

I don’t know, I mean, Kathy was one of my friends since I was six years old. We’d spend the day in her room playing tea party and jump rope then eat whatever her mom or grandma made. After being separated for years, we reunited in high school and I honestly thought it’d be the same, but it wasn’t. Her personality irritated the fuck out of me. She was spoiled and mean and everything I hated in a girl basically, but I stuck around her because somewhere deep down inside I enjoyed being her friend. 

She wasn’t all bad. I mean, she had her moments and good intentions. She’d attempt to cook with us although it wasn’t that great lol but she tried. One time I was bawling my eyes out in my room with nobody to talk to because they wouldn’t answer the phone, but she did… She cheered me up and made it all better. When things went wrong with Nate, she’d be there to help fix it although she talked shit about me behind my back afterwards. (I don’t blame her. I was so stupid in that relationship and everyone had the right to talk shit about me for it.) 

Over time the cons REALLY started to outshine the pros. Or maybe I’m the problem. Technically she wouldn’t even be doing anything wrong, but I’d hate being around her. Her presence or anyone speaking of her around me would just make my blood boil. Although all of this was going on, I remained fake. I didn’t want to stop being friends with her until she was gone. I’d rather just claim that the distance made us grew apart than have that friendship end in a war.

It was working. I mean, she’d text me and I wouldn’t respond unless Quach was there, but then even though she was far away, she still managed to get on my nerves by talking smack about Cindy and trying to get me to side with her by talking shit about her. Usually, you shouldn’t pick a side in things like this, but COME ON! I already hated Kathy and Cindy is just so awesome. She gets me in a way that only my closest friends would. So, I sided.

It wasn’t the mature thing to do, but we’d talk shit about Kathy A LOT. Sometimes we still make jokes, but it was one of the things that made our friendship stronger. The stronger it got, the ore irritated I’d get when I’d see her talking shit on Facebook. So one day, I guess I snapped and decided to fight her on a post. Stupid, huh? I’ve always said online arguments where everyone could see were one of the stupidest things ever, but I hypocritically fought with her and eventually got fed up to the point where I blocked and deleted her.

Apparently to her the fight was something small that would blow over, but she was kinda surprised that I cut her out. I only know this because she texted me that she wanted to know what she did for me to be mad at her after I accidentally called her. Maybe it was fate that caused me to accidentally dial her number. I mean, she could have easily just ignored it or have deleted my number once she found out we weren’t friends, but she didn’t. Sadly, and as immature as it was, I just ignored and deleted it… making her the bigger person. I know that I said that I didn’t want it to end in an argument, awkwardness or friendship, but any of those would’ve been better than being a coward. 

I guess I’m more of a person that ignores their demons rather than face them. It’s one of my many flaws that have got me in trouble multiple times, but… hopefully one day I can fix it. Honestly, I don’t see myself being friends with her anytime soon. Hopefully if I run into her somewhere, we’ll be mature enough not to mug each other, but that’s the best it’ll get for now.