Dear future kid,

Don’t be a fuck up like your mommy. Please don’t be a fuck up. I’ll pay for my mistakes… just, do well in school and get a good education so that you can take care of yourself when I’m gone. I mean, you can put me in a home. I just want you to be happy. I love you so much.

I don’t want to be in a relationship. It’s too complicated. I don’t want to have sex either… it’s all too much work and I should really focus on school. I can die alone. I mean, money can buy me happiness. Who needs love? It’s all a bunch of lies anyways. 

Dear future husband, 

You’re most likely not who I pictured marrying as a teenager, but I’ve come to accept that. If I haven’t informed you yet, I’m writing this as a 19 year old, but don’t freak out! I’ll be 20 in a month. Ew… 20 is old. Anyways, I’m wondering if I lost my virginity to you. It’s obviously okay if I didn’t. I mean, everyone’s losing it at like 13+ nowadays. When I say everyone’s losing it, I mean… well, I’m the last virgin out of all my friends. I’m guessing my boyfriend is too. I mean, the last of all his friends because I know he’s a virgin. 

I’m kinda hoping that I lose it to you. Whoever you are, I know that one day I’ll live happily ever after with you and not have to question if you’ll be there the next day to put up with me because, well, we’re married haha that’s what married couples do. I get to wake up next to you every morning without having to sneak outside my window to do so or lie to my parents and say that I’m on a trip with friends. It’s just you and me for the rest of our lives (:

I wish I knew you now and that we were dating right now. It’d make things less complicated. I mean, if I knew you and I was with you and I knew that I was going to marry you, I’d gladly have sex with you because you’d be there every day after to take care of me. But for now, I’m with this guy.

I look forward to meeting you one day, and I hope that our marriage is full of love and happiness because I deserve to be happy. That totally sounded selfish, but I’m tired of being insecure and whatnot. I deserve someone like you and you deserve someone like me because we were meant for each other. Even if I’m old and stuff when I give this to you, know that the 19 year old me is telling the older me to rub your tummy when it feels upset, massage you after a long day at work, scratch your head when we’re watching TV, kiss you every night before we go to bed and wake up next to you and smile. I want a marriage that’s happy unlike the ones that I’ve witnessed so far. 

I really hope that I can save myself for you because you’re the only guy that matters. I love you so much and thank you for finally making me happier than anyone else could. I just really wish I knew you right now. 

All parents (especially ones that left their home country in order to come to America to find a better life) have high expectations of their children. They want their children to be doctors, nurses, scientists, lawyers, ect… these high-paying jobs that secure the financial stability of their children when they’re no longer there to provide for them. 

My second cousin graduated from UC Berkeley today while I was at work. My parents got home after I did… and when they got home I was in the middle of making my dinner. My mom asked me why I couldn’t be like my second cousin and why I’m not smart like that. Then she said, “You should really be an ultrasound technician since it pays a lot. It only takes two years.” In reality, that’s about five or six. It would take me about three of four years to finish the prerequisites just to GET INTO Kaiser since they raised their prerequisite units from 60 to 90, my academic record has grades that need to be fixed, and so on… 

I know that five or six years doesn’t seem like much, but after what’s been going on lately, I’m really questioning my capabilities of doing what they want me to do. On top of the fact that I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it or not… I DON’T WANT TO BE AN ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN. I really can’t see myself happy if I were to choose that path. I never really chose it to begin with since it’s just something my my mom forced on me until I accepted it. 

If I were skinny and pretty, I would’ve left college to go into porn by now.

I want to pick a carrier, graduate, get a job, marry Corey and live happily ever after.

I enjoy having friends of different religions and of course, there are those friends that are non-believers. As long as our faiths/non-faiths don’t clash a lot, then we’re good. We all have this mutual agreement of, “You believe what you want and I’ll believe what I want as long as you don’t force me to believe what you believe.” If that makes sense. 

I just… it was nice to get a text from a friend last night saying she’d pray for me when I was crying and sad. In the morning, the problem was resolved and that couldn’t have been pure luck since I prayed too. I’m not the most religious person in the world, but I wouldn’t consider myself a non-believer. In the end, I believe prayer is a powerful thing. You can’t convince me to believe otherwise since I’ve experienced having my prayers answered.

It was so refreshing. I can’t even describe it.

Maybe it’s the hormones talking, but I’m hitting the point where… I’m just going to try and force myself to push Corey away as much as possible. I mean, I have more hours at work so I don’t spend as much time with him. I’m actually studying more in my classes and… well… I’m trying to occupy myself with things that aren’t in relation to him. 

…even though he’s been there for me since I broke down last year, but… IDK he’s like my best friend, and every best friend leaves eventually or I get tired of them. Plus, he’s just my boyfriend. One day he’ll just be another ex. 

FUCK THIS SHIT. I hate loving him. -_-

Nope. Still don’t want to have my own kids when I’m all grown up and married lol it bothers my parents, but it just seems more complicated to actually have your own kid than to adopt one ._. I mean, when you adopt, you don’t have to worry about carrying something around in your stomach for nine months and then pushing it out of your vajayjay. Plus, you wouldn’t have to worry about the possibility of birth defects/complications or the possibility of a miscarriage because there’s a healthy child alive and available already waiting for someone to adopt them. There are 143,000,000 orphans world-wide. Why should I make a baby when I have the chance of saving four orphans? 

So he busted in a glove so I could see what it’d look like O_o Then, I told him about the thing with a turkey baster and whatnot, and somehow we got into the topic that I owe him a baby for the tea kettle he bought me. LOL

I love him too much, but if it ever gets to the point where he seriously wants to talk about getting married or even lightly brings it up, I’m going to freak out and consider dipping. I’m NOT about to have my heart crushed again. Fuck that shit. Having someone getting your hopes up and saying they’ll always be there for you and take care of you by being a loving husband UNTIL one day they see all the things that are wrong with you and leave your ass.